Conventional Exercises In Mad Science

Ladies and gentlmen, scholars all:

You are required to gain control of the United Nations, sufficent to develop a single world government that obeys your instructions.

You are permitted to use:

  • any food product favoured, to his detriment, by Elvis Presely
  • any prop that has been noticed by a character in a Quentin Tarrantino movie
  • the dean's niece. The dean's niece may not be harmed in the process. She's six.

Hokay, I've given this a lot of thought, and here's what I've got:

Through careful use of fried peanut-butter-and-banana sandwiches, I will kill the Christian Coalition! Lemme 'splain...

Step one of worldwide domination is ingratiation. My niece, being my kin, has been instructed in the art of eyelash-batting and "Pweese" saying (even though she's had perfect diction and grammar and an excellent vocabulary since she was four). I will regularly take her to various mega-churches across the country and through various hypnotic effects (including that of having the cutest niece ever) become friends with all the charismatic church leaders.

Steps two and three are simultaneous. With the help of the suitcase, I will convince the leaders in question to band together to both take back America and replace the obviously corrupt (Left Behind series, various other propaganda) officials of the United Nations (never mind that it's a worldwide organization; its presence in New York means that Americans should run it!), with myself as one of the (unpublicized) party members. At the same time, while we plan the various steps we're going to take, I'm serving up chicken-friend bacon strips, Po'boy sandwiches, chit'lins, Texas toast, and any other fatty foods the (mostly Southern Baptist) contingent wants. All this food is going to be laced with a drug that causes arrhythmia, and will slowly build up in their systems. I, of course, will just have the salad.

During step four, we use covert or overt brute-force tactics to take over the White House, Congress, and the United Nations. In all the excitement, some of my compatriots will drop dead of heart attacks. Barring that, I'll continue to hold celebration parties with the aforementioned laced food until all the other U.N. plants are gone, and I will (regretfully, sniff) take the position of head of the U.N. council. At that point, I will declare the illegal takeover of the United States to be cause for war, and unite the U.N. against the terrorist state. A large number of high-ranking officials in the United States, having eaten too many laced peanut-butter-and-banana fried sandwiches, will die of heart attacks during the ensuing war, and the leaderless country will fall before the might of the world.

Once the United States is subjugated to the United Nations (which is headed by me, my niece, and my suitcase), I will control the world.

Mwuaha. Mwuaha. Mwuahahahahaha!

My evil plan is elegantly simple. I simply borrow the Dean's niece, bring her to the United Nations Headquarters in New York, barge in to the General Assembly chamber, and let her scream until everyone is driven out of the complex. Then the UN will be MINE, ALL MINE!!!

Sadly, Michelle's plan is flawed as there is nothing stopping the UN from hurting the Dean's niece to prevent the screaming. Though it is in simplicity that true genius is found. In that vein, I will proceed.

I will bring the Dean's niece back to the UN to apologize for screaming by serving Elvis' favourite breakfast to all delegates - pancakes. Everybody forgets that Elvis also took serious pills with his breakfast, and assumes the "sprinkled syrup" is a cute addition from the niece. Drugged into submission, the UN votes how I want them to, after I soliloquy them into thinking leaving a tip is not morally required, they are too stoned to do differently.

Although Michelle's plan was servicable, and I wanted some of the tasty irony of offering her a point, and although I want to encourage the new student on campus, I feel I need to award this one to the dean, for best use of a Tarrantino prop that doesn't actually do anything, and most excessive use of snacks intended to doom Kings of Rock.

I congratulate the Dean.

Hoody hoo!