New version of the file : here
(Corrected 'till page 70)
Bookmarks have been added.
P. 139, para 1:
"The name is
an abbreviation of "subversum",
which means "to undermine".
American style requires punctuation inside quote marks.
"...one of the covenant's Founders..." Why uppercase F?
"infernally-tainted" don't hyphenate after "-ly."
Insert:
"If your covenant is drawn into the
shadow of Sursum the Hooks
Ruined Covenant, Corrupt Area,
or Demonic Interest may suit your
design."
Confused here. I think this is what is meant:
If your covenant is drawn into the
shadow of Sursum, the story hooks
"Ruined Covenant," "Corrupt Area,"
or "Demonic Interest" may suit your
saga.
para 3: (end of paragraph) the ellipses (...) are confusing and fit no standard style I'm aware of. Without knowing what was omitted, I can't advise on the appropriate style. (https://erinwrightwriting.com/how-to-use-ellipses-part-2-ellipses-between-quoted-paragraphs/)
The long quote ends on p141 with "-Hunt." I don't believe the final fullstop after "Hunt" is appropriate. I would suggest using a standardized approach here: "(Author, Work, Page)." There's no bibliography at the end to tell me the details of "Hunt." Don't compel the reader to search the previous text for those details.
P141 Insert:
"Langar row may have been
destroyed by the Lord, but it is
inundated, suspiciously, slightly
before the formal declaration of
the Renunciation of Diedne, in an
area where the druids were,
presumably, strong. A slightly
rounding of the date."
Adverbs come before adjectives, they don't follow them.
"suspiciously inundated slightly..." not "inundated, suspiciously, slightly..."
" ...were, presumably, strong." should be "...presumably were strong."
This keeps coming up and needs special attention. It appears the author is trying to use unconventional sentence structure and multiple commas to add emphasis. However, he uses it so often that any such effect is lost on the reader. It is fine to use unconventional structure occasionally to halt the smooth flow of the text and make the reader pause for a moment and rethink important content. However, routine (ab)use doesn't result in that effect-- it quickly wears off and the reader is merely irritated by choppy prose, and a routine need to reread the unconventional grammar to decipher the writer's intent. None of these comma-laden sentences are wrong grammatically. However their cumulative effect burdens the reader unnecessarily. Good writing demands much more than a mere legalistic compliance with the rules of grammar. I'm not going to address it again while proofing.
P 141 Second column, second para:
"This encourages
other diabolists to attempt to steal
the role, by performing acts of
increasing evil..."
ellipses inappropriate.
All of p. 141: "infernal saints" is sometimes capitalized, sometimes not, sometimes mixed.
Third column, second para:
"Perhaps Tsagilla was
tricked into believing that she had
discovered Dolores's identity
accidentally?"
No question mark, or rephrase it clearly as a question if it is meant to be one for the reader to answer:
"Was Tsaqilla tricked..." doesn't force the reader to reread the sentence to be sure it was intended as a question. Same with next sentence.
"Pride" should not be capitalized.
p. 142-144: watch out for consistency on fullstops at end of sentences/thoughts/paragraphs.
All this is very fine indeed.
But if you don't follow correction format recommandations, I won't take your corrections in account.
I mean, I'm french, and I'm not “in your head”. Your considerations are surely very interesting, but I'm not going to go and try to understand what you really mean.
If you don't do so, please will you just stop posting corrections, because this is becoming really boring. Thanks.
I also consider you particularly peremptory.
The one who do the layout.
No problem. If I'm not helping I'm happy to stop.
Many thanks to you for your wise decision.
Page number: 107
Column number: 3
Line number: Sidebox, paragraph 2 line 4
Word: “The is a”
Error type: Wrong word
Should be: “There is a”
Page number: 108
Column number: 1
Line number: Paragraph 2 line 2
Word: “merrow blood”
Error type: What is merrow blood?
Should be: Give details of this new type of Faerie Blood.
Page number: 108
Column number: 1
Line number: Paragraph 6 line 5
Word: “the army Mordered”
Error type: Missing word and spelling
Should be: “the army of Mordred”
Page number: 109
Column number: 1
Line number: Paragraph 2 line 1
Word: “Islands in the English Channel are in the Normandy Tribunal”
Error type: Is this canon for all of them? Even the Isle of Wight? Where is it stated?
Should be: ?
Page number: 110
Column number: N/A
Line number: Topbox, paragraph 1 line 2
Word: “marshy area, called the Wash, during a storm.”
Error type: Superfluous commas
Should be: “marshy area called the Wash during a storm.”
Page number: 110
Column number: N/A
Line number: Topbox, paragraph 2 line 1
Word: “made by Wayland Smith, a faerie god or Sandinavian magus trained by dwarfs.”
Error type: Note that there’s already a bit of history for Wayland Smith on pg 109 of HoH: Mystery Cults. Also, “Scandinavian” is misspelled.
Should be: ?
Page number: 110
Column number: N/A
Line number: Topbox, paragraph 4 line 1
Word: “the St Mary’s series”
Error type: Apparent missing context – what St Mary’s series? I can’t see that it’s introduced elsewhere
Should be: ?
Page number: 110
Column number: N/A
Line number: Topbox, paragraph 4 line 5
Word: “was lost n the”
Error type: Typo
Should be: “was lost in the”
Page number: 110
Column number: 1
Line number: Paragraph 1 line 5
Word: “given in Scilly and Its Legends which”
Error type: Missing quotation marks
Should be: “given in “Scilly and Its Legends” which”
Page number: 112
Column number: 1
Line number: Sidebox, Paragraph 4 line 5
Word: “interest-ed”
Error type: Unnecessary -
Should be: “interested”
Page number: 116
Column number: 1
Line number: Paragraph 1 line 2
Word: “know a little about secretive clutch at Stellasper”
Error type: Missing word
Should be: “know a little about the secretive clutch at Stellasper”
Page number: 116
Column number: 1
Line number: Paragraph 2 line 5
Word: “They poems were”
Error type: Typo
Should be: “The poems were”
Page number: 116
Column number: 3
Line number: Sidebox, paragraph 4 line 9
Word: “Asclepius, killed by Zeus with lightning, to stop him making humans immortal”
Error type: Superfluous comma
Should be: “Asclepius, killed by Zeus with lightning to stop him making humans immortal”
Page number: 116
Column number: 3
Line number: Sidebox, paragraph 5 line 7
Word: “Is the destruction of a star, like the destruction of the physical form of a demon, a purely temporary measure,”
Error type: Canon error – killing a demon’s physical form kills the demon (see pg 29 of RoP: The Infernal)
Should be: ?
Page number: 117
Column number: 3
Line number: Sidebox, Paragraph 1
Word: “It’s usual to bind an animal which has abilities you want to develop yourself. Many combat magi have eagle familiars because it gives them extended Sight Range, for example.”
Error type: Canon error? It’s not clear what you’re referencing here. Are you thinking of the minor traits of the familiar that you take on every time you enchant a new effect into the bond? If so, that’s a significant gamble and not something that having an eagle familiar will automatically give you.
Should be: ?
Page number: 117
Column number: 3
Line number: Sidebox, Paragraph 2, line 1
Word: “Bjornaer magi often become enorm-ous versions of their Heartbeats rather than falling into Twilight”
Error type: Canon error? As far as I can tell, “Great Beasts” aren’t inherently any larger than the magus’ inner heartbeast. There are a couple of scenarios in which the Inner Heartbeast may have been unusually large (Mystery of the Epitome may raise it one size, or the magus may choose to initiate size improvements), but that seems a step or two away from “often”.
Should be: “Bjornaer magi often become versions of their Heartbeasts when falling into Twilight, and these Heartbeasts are occasionally enormous.”
Page number: 121
Column number: 2
Line number: Paragraph 2, line 13
Word: “and its lucky”
Error type: Missing apostrophe
Should be: “and it’s lucky”
Page number: 121
Column number: 2
Line number: Paragraph 3, line 13
Word: “The priests of the old religion, Etruscan haruspexes came”
Error type: Missing comma
Should be: “The priests of the old religion, Etruscan haruspexes, came”
Page number: 122
Column number: 2
Line number: Paragraph 2, line 8
Word: “In the east of Cornwall the vast rocks which, in the west, are attributed to giants are instead attributed to Arthur.”
Error type: Superfluous commas
Should be: “In the east of Cornwall the vast rocks which in the west are attributed to giants, are instead attributed to Arthur.”
Page number: 124
Column number: 1
Line number: Sidebox 2, paragraph 2, line 13
Word: “St Agnes Beacon. Belovely Beacon,”
Error type: Full-stop should be comma
Should be: “St Agnes Beacon, Belovely Beacon,”
Page number: 125
Column number: 1
Line number: Sidebox, paragraph 1, line 3
Word: “Is Arthur is now like one of those Bjornaer magi who become a terrible, titanic version of their heartbeast?”
Error type: Canon error? As discussed before, the “Great” in Great beasts doesn’t appear to indicate an increase in size. Also superfluous “is” after Arthur
Should be: “Is Arthur now like one of those Bjornaer magi who become a magical version of their heartbeast?”
Page number: 127
Column number: 1
Line number: Paragraph 1, line 10
Word: “and rebuilds the castle there, to cement his family’s links to King Arthur.”
Error type: Superfluous comma
Should be: “and rebuilds the castle there to cement his family’s links to King Arthur.”
Page number: 127
Column number: 1
Line number: Paragraph 1, line 11
Word: “For magi, living in Cornwall,”
Error type: Superfluous comma
Should be: “For magi living in Cornwall,”
Page number: 127
Column number: 2
Line number: Paragraph 1, line 11
Word: “some washer-women, at this point.”
Error type: Superfluous comma
Should be: “some washer-women at this point.”
Page number: 127
Column number: 2
Line number: Paragraph 2, line 2
Word: “by is”
Error type: Missing letter
Should be: “by his”
Page number: 127
Column number: 3
Line number: Sidebox 2, paragraph 1, line 2
Word: “Corfe Castle is described in Tales of Mythic Europe (p.67)”
Error type: Reference error – whilst there’s a picture on the castle on page 67, the description is on pages 65-66
Should be: “Corfe Castle is described in Tales of Mythic Europe (p.65-66)”
Page number: 128
Column number: 1
Line number: Paragraph 1, line 1
Word: “Richard is granted the honour of the Eye.”
Error type: Lack of clarity – what is the Eye? I can’t see a definition of it anywhere, other than a passing mention that it’s in Suffolk
Should be: Include a bit more info.
Page number: 128
Column number: 1
Line number: Paragraph 3, line 1
Word: “de Breaute rebels”
Error type: Capitalisation
Should be: “De Breaute rebels”
Page number: 128
Column number: 1
Line number: Paragraph 5, line 7
Word: “leader is the William Longsword”
Error type: Superfluous “the”
Should be: “leader is William Longsword”
Page number: 128
Column number: 2
Line number: Paragraph 1, line 2
Word: “36 000”
Error type: Should be comma rather than space
Should be: “36,000”
Page number: 128
Column number: 2
Line number: Paragraph 3, line 8
Word: “lands.).”
Error type: Punctuation
Should be: “lands).”
Page number: 128
Column number:2
Line number: Paragraph 3, line 10
Word: “the Languedoc Tribunal”
Error type: Canon error – there’s no such thing.
Should be: Do you mean the Lotharingian Tribunal? Or the Provencal?
Page number: 128
Column number: 3
Line number: Sidebox 2
Word: “Plot hooks: Nuts
House Tytalus, who loves this sort of thing, orders wine and scours nearby Tribunals for magic items which grant invisibility.”
Error type: Lack of clarity – I’m not sure what you’re referring to by “this sort of thing”, and why they’re specifically interested in magic items that grant invisibility.
Should be: ?
Page number: 128
Column number: 3
Line number: Sidebox 4, Paragraph 1, line 4
Word: “Reconquistia..”
Error type: Punctuation
Should be: Either “Reconquistia...” or “Reconquistia.”
Page number: 129
Column number: 1
Line number: Paragraph 3, line 4
Word: “Scotland She”
Error type: Missing fullstop
Should be: “Scotland. She”
Page number: 129
Column number: 1
Line number: Paragraph 3, line 7
Word: “princes. de Burgh”
Error type: Capitalisation
Should be: “princes. De Burgh”
Page number: 129
Column number: 1
Line number: Paragraph 4, line 10
Word: “Richard hears there’s a plot afoot and rides off in the middle of the night, He links up with his friend William Marshal.”
Error type: Grammar
Should be: ? “Richard hears there’s a plot afoot and rides off in the middle of the night, then links up with his friend William Marshal.”
Page number: 129
Column number: 2
Line number: Paragraph 2, line 5
Word: “but he also now two manors just outside London”
Error type: Missing word
Should be: “but he also now owns two manors just outside London”
Page number: 129
Column number: 2
Line number: Paragraph 3, line 10
Word: “this worries anyone virtually everyone with any sense.”
Error type: Sentence doesn’t make sense
Should be: “this worries anyone with any sense.” Or “this worries virtually everyone.”
Page number: 129
Column number: 3
Line number: Sidebox 1, line 6
Word: “forms..”
Error type: Punctuation
Should be: “forms...” or “forms.”
Page number: 129
Column number: 3
Line number: Sidebox 2, line 1
Word: “If your magi have used magi for masonry”
Error type: Missing letter? Or could be right.
Should be: “If your magi have used magic for masonry”
Page number: 129
Column number: 3
Line number: Sidebox 3, line 1
Word: “House Tremere has ruled Wales, in a mystical sense, for centuries.”
Error type: Canon? Is this true? What about Cad Gadhu? Not that they’re probably doing much actual ruling, but feels like thepresence of the Domus Magna of even Ex Misc should be enough to interfere with Blackthorn’s claim
Should be: ?
Page number: 130
Column number: 1
Line number: Paragraph 1, line 1
Word: “Richard is given the Honor of the Eye”
Error type: Spelling
Should be: “Richard is given the Honour of the Eye”
Page number: 130
Column number: 1
Line number: Paragraph 1, line 2
Word: “and a 1000 marks”
Error type: Superfluous “a”
Should be: “and 1,000 marks” or “and a thousand marks”
Page number: 130
Column number: 1
Line number: Paragraph 2, line 5
Word: “which annoys Henry, because she’s a valuable heiress.”
Error type: Superfluous comma
Should be: “which annoys Henry because she’s a valuable heiress.”
Page number: 130
Column number: 1
Line number: Paragraph 2, line 15
Word: “from him. and tries”
Error type: Superfluous full-stop
Should be: “from him and tries”
Page number: 131
Column number: 2
Line number: Paragraph 1, line 3
Word: “without the permission.”
Error type: Superfluous “the”
Should be: “without permission.”
Page number: 131
Column number: 2
Line number: Paragraph 1, line 3
Word: “without the permission.”
Error type: Superfluous “the”
Should be: “without permission.”
Page number: 133
Column number: 3
Line number: “Plot hooks: Missing dies?” box, line 2
Word: “and the other does destroyed, or not?”
Error type: Sentence does not make sense
Should be: ?
Page number: 133
Column number: 3
Line number: “Plot hooks: Missing dies?” box, line 5
Word: “some reason?not”
Error type: Random “?”, plus nonsensical sentence.
Should be: “some reason?”
Page number: 133
Column number: 3
Line number: “Plot hooks: Missing dies?” Sidebox, line 6
Word: “Were the first set, for some reason?”
Error type: Sentence does not make sense.
Should be: “Were the first set destroyed for some reason?”
Page number: 135
Column number: 2
Line number: paragraph 1, line 5
Word: “On the way the pause at”
Error type: Typo
Should be: “On the way they pause at”
Page number: 135
Column number: 2
Line number: paragraph 1, line 5
Word: “repeatedly stabs, them mutilates”
Error type: Typo
Should be: “repeatedly stabs, then mutilates”
Page number: 135
Column number: 3
Line number: Sidebox 4
Word: “Plot hooks: Stroke At this point, ancient treasure and foreign coins become useless to offer to the Crown.”
Error type: Repetition – this is exactly the same text as on the previous page in the “Peace – 2” box
Should be: Remove one instance
Page number: 137
Column number: 2
Line number: Paragraph 1, line 15
Word: “But he common”
Error type: Typo
Should be: “But the common”
Page number: 137
Column number: 2
Line number: Paragraph 1, line 17
Word: “murmured to each other, as they went home, that”
Error type: Superfluous comma
Should be: “murmured to each other as they went home, that”
Page number: 137
Column number: 3
Line number: Sidebox 1, line 10
Word: “It is a little close to Confluensis in Normandy,”
Error type: Geographical error? It’s about 200 miles (and Fudarus is probably closer), so unless there’s a reason the Mercere really want to avoid the Quaesitors, this seems plenty?
Should be: ?
Page number: 140
Column number: 1
Line number: Paragraph 1, line 5
Word: “It was the epicentre for the Corruption o f House Tytalus , and was destroyed in 937.”
Error type: Canon error: according to HoH: Societates (pg 74), the Corruption was revealed in 961 – Sursum being destroyed 24 years previously doesn’t seem consistent with this.
Should be: Change the year
Page number: 140
Column number: 1
Line number: Sidebox 1, line 2
Word: “If your covenant is drawn into the shadow of Sursum the Hooks”
Error type: Missing comma.
Should be: “If your covenant is drawn into the shadow of Sursum, the Hooks”
Page number: 140
Column number: 2
Line number: Paragraph 2, line 11
Word: “they drew their wealth from a large tract of level land, thickly wooded in some parts, and highly cultivated in others from the sea, which was overflowing with fish of all kinds and from mines, which yielded them abundance of tin and lead.”
Error type: Missing semi-colons
Should be: “they drew their wealth from a large tract of level land, thickly wooded in some parts, and highly cultivated in others; from the sea, which was overflowing with fish of all kinds; and from mines, which yielded them abundance of tin and lead.”
Page number: 140
Column number: 3
Line number: Paragraph 1, line 13
Word: “discovered considerable quantities of mussel and cockle shells, long period this city flourished in its prime,”
Error type: Missing words?
Should be: “discovered considerable quantities of mussel and cockle shells. For a long period this city flourished in its prime,”
Page number: 140
Column number: 3
Line number: Paragraph 2, line 15
Word: “The progress of this may have been slow the result was, however,”
Error type: Missing semi-colon
Should be: “The progress of this may have been slow; the result was, however,”
Page number: 141
Column number: 1
Line number: Sidebox, line 7
Word: “A slightly rounding”
Error type: Spelling
Should be: “A slight rounding”
Page number: 141
Column number: 3
Line number: Paragraph 1, line 1
Word: “infernal saint”
Error type: Should be plural
Should be: “infernal saints”
Page number: 141
Column number: 3
Line number: Paragraph 1, line 1
Word: “The Tytalus magi sought the embodiment of the natural process of dying, rather a faerie goddess, but they refereed to the creature as “Proserpine””
Error type: Meaning of sentence is not exactly clear. Did they know the thing referred to was a Faerie, or should it be rather than a faerie goddess? Also, referred is misspelt.
Should be: ?
Page number: 141
Column number: 3
Line number: Paragraph 2, line 16
Word: “Gurona”
Error type: Spelling
Should be: “Guorna”
Page number: 141
Column number: 3
Line number: Paragraph 3, line 5 and 17
Word: “Tsagilla”
Error type: Spelling
Should be: “Tasgillia”
Page number: 142
Column number: 1
Line number: Paragraph 3, line 3
Word: “Touches that causes pain”
Error type: Pluralisation
Should be: “Touches that cause pain” or “Touch that causes pain”
Page number: 142
Column number: 1
Line number: Paragraph 3, line 9
Word: “Wounds the Bloom”
Error type: Typo
Should be: “Wounds that Bloom”
Page number: 142
Column number: 2
Line number: Paragraph 1, line `
Word: “The Serpent Oracle”
Error type: Wrong name (assuming this is meant to be the same as the Deceiver power , although note the description is slightly different. If it’s mean to be a different power I’d suggest changing the name more).
Should be: “The Serpent’s Oracle” ?
Page number: 144
Column number: 1
Line number: Paragraph 1, line 9
Word: “Touches that causes pain”
Error type: Pluralisation
Should be: “Touches that cause pain” or “Touch that causes pain”
Page number: 144
Column number: 1
Line number: Paragraph 1, line 15
Word: “Wounds the Bloom”
Error type: Typo
Should be: “Wounds that Bloom”
Page number: 144
Column number: 2
Line number: Paragraph 1, line 3
Word: “The Serpent Oracle”
Error type: Wrong name (assuming this is meant to be the same as the Deceiver power , although note the description is slightly different. If it’s mean to be a different power I’d suggest changing the name more).
Should be: “The Serpent’s Oracle” ?
Page number: 144
Column number: 3
Line number: Paragraph 6, line 1
Word: “Large octopi”
Error type: Pluralisation
Should be: “Large octopus”
Page number: 149
Column number: 1
Line number: Paragraph 3, line 3
Word: “Then love was the pearl of his oyster,[4]”
Error type: Stray footnote marker?
Should be: “Then love was the pearl of his oyster,”
That should be the last of it.
Off topic: absolutely AMAZING work! We are a spanish group of veterna players, planning to play a Covenant in Tintagel, when I found your supplement.
As a request, the Tintalgel's map at page 123 seems to be part of a greater map. Where could I get the complete map? Maybe to use it in roll20...
Thank you very much and congratulations again!
3 Likes
Hello,
The map you're referring to is pretty much complete from the source, but I used that one because it was out of copyright. There are several more modern maps which are in copyright, but you can use for your saga. One I'd like to particularly recommend is this one by English Heritage.
1 Like
Oh, English Heritage page is awesome! But i was interested in the other map because of its scale, it includes St Materiana's Church, the town, etc. I supposed it was a part of a greater one, which will be VERY USEFUL as "large zone map". So, is it imposible to obtain, somewhere?
Anyway, thank you very much for your fast reply, and excuse my clumsy english, I constantly read in your language, but rarely write in it!
Is there an updated version of the document available now?
I'm working on it, but I'm a bit lazy on it 
(I've worked and I'm working on a lot of other projects in fact 
).
I gonna apply typos corrections in a few weeks, but I really can't apply myself changes Timothy is asked to do: but actually, I'm not sure he really wishes to apply them. So, only typos shall be corrected.
Give me just a little month more, and it shall be done, for sure. It shall be a ending document.
Work has already be done till p.100 for now.
1 Like
Sorry, I might have misunderstood. I thought it was in final form.
What corrections am I meant to make?
Sorry for my poor English.
There are some proposals of corrections and some suggestions (out of just typos corrections) in the listing made by proofreaders (in fact, Salutor is nearly the one and only proofreader!)
I was quite sure you'd red them and decided not to consider them as relevant, but It was a mistake, apparently!
As an example:
Page number: 140
Column number: 1
Line number: Paragraph 1, line 5
Word: “It was the epicentre for the Corruption o f House Tytalus , and was destroyed in 937.”
Error type: Canon error: according to HoH: Societates (pg 74), the Corruption was revealed in 961 – Sursum being destroyed 24 years previously doesn’t seem consistent with this.
Should be: Change the year
Sorry I let you down. I'm having trouble getting anything done at the moment
1 Like
Handle what you need to handle, and know we appreciate the effort you put in.
4 Likes