Inspired by the latest winner...

How would you resurrect Val Kilmer's sense of humor?

You have clowns, thumbtacks, war photography, onions, and skunks.


Yes, I'm feeling particularly evil today. No, you don't have to be named Michelle or Timothy to play (but that obviously doesn't disqualify you either).

Another week for this project.

Michelle, you get a brownie point for coming so very close to eliminating your arch-nemesis.

Timothy, you get a brownie point for the use of politics and parasitic organisms.

The word "resurrect" is the key to my evil plan. It's obvious that there's no hope for Val Kilmer ... his last few movies prove that easily enough. So, I'll have my minions kidnap the sullen so-called actor, dress up as clowns, and make him laugh to death. As D&D has taught us, the method of death determines the kind of undead that the deceased becomes ... Kilmer will no doubt return as a happy-go-lucky sort of spirit as a result, thus completing the assignment.

There's a fault in Michelle's plan here, although her plan's a good one.
We know what sort of undead Val Kilmer will become: he'll become a mummy. Mummies are not happy-go-lucky: they are painfully introverted stay-at-homes. Let me prove that he's cursed to become a mummy using the "Tenuous Connections Are Definitive Proof" Method pioneered by the Van Daiken Institute for the Study of How Humans are Part Alien, Dude.

We can demonstrate that he will become a mummy because the theme track for "Real Genius", in which he appeared as Chris Knight was the beautiful and inspiring "Everybody Wants to Rule the World". The flipside of the single was "Pharoahs". Clearly this indicates, using a pescher technique interpretation popularised in The Da Vinci Code, that the other side of Chris Knight - Mr Kilmer - must become a "pharoah", which is a kenning for mummy, which frightens and distresses the band, who shed tears for their fears.

Now, to the meat of the project:

Invoking the Wisdom of My Mother, I am reminded that if something is lost you should start your search in the place where it was last seen.
I though "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang" was really quite funny, myself. As such, it is the last place Mr Kilmer's sense of humor was spotted. We then apply the Pesher and Van Daiken Techniques.

"Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang" was originally floated as the title for the Bond film now called "Thunderball". What, you ask, is a thunderball? No-one knows, although locally it is a gourment variety of pickled onion. It was remade as "Never Say Never Again", and is about a computer game played for world domination. That's not relevant, but it really is cool. It's also the only Bond film with a skunk in it.

No, the relevant point is this: Val Kilmer lost his sense of humour in a film that was a Bond knockoff. This will be important later.

We then say to ourselves "Of course! It's obvious! Why didn't we think to look there before?" and send our crack team to recover Kilmer's sense of humour from the Salton Sea.

After all, Kilmer had a deeply unfunny movie called "The Salton Sea" and location shots of the Salton Sea are shown in the film clip of "Everybody Wants to Rule The World" which is the track from "Real Genius", so the beginning and end are one, and so obviously they are connected. What, in the Salton Sea, could have taken Kilmer's sense of humor?

Well, obviously its the giant prehistoric snails. You've seen the informative and accurate documentary "The Monster That Challenged The World" right?

Soooo, I then send my best clowns, and this is where the Bond references come in, and things go holistic detective style:

James Bond disguises himself as a clown in "Octopussy". He is, in this, following in the footsteps of 009, who has also used a clown disguise. I set my two 00 agents on the trail of Val Kilmer's sense of humour. They shoot people, blow stuff up, and carouse in a humourous way with members of the Octopus Cult (Octopussy is the leader of the Octopus Cult) until they discover that Kilmer's sense of humour is in the Salton Sea. Using the women of the Octopus Cult as bait and following the directions given in the documentary ("Shoot the Eye! Shoot the Eye!") my 00 agents destroy the primordial molluscs and find Kilmer's sense of humour. They then shake it in vodka, add a twist of lemon peel, and let him drink it back down.

Pshaw! Ferguson's sad attempt is all unfounded speculation and wishful thinking. MY cunning plan, however, is based on information given in an actual book ... and we all know that if it's written in a book it MUST be true, right? grin

MY cunning plan's based on a book too! Are you saying that a D&D mannual is more trustworthy than "Octopussy and the Living Daylights"? Well, are you?


In this case, I am. One point for Michelle!