As of yesterday, no students have enrolled, but I thought I'd give ye a head start. You must describe how you would accomplish your Insane Assignment using one (or more) of the Unstable Elements below. This project must be completed by the start of Hallowe'en. To turn in your assignment, reply to this thread with your description. You can also point out flaws in other students' plans, add notes about Mad Science weirdness, or make suggestions.
Insane Assignment: At this point, your dean has had a terrible bout of staying up late. Well actually, that part wasn't that bad, but waking up this morning was killer. Not to mention the fact that there's a meeting with the F.B.I. later, and I have to convince them that we weren't responsible for the mutant snowmen that attacked the nearby town. Soo... there are a number of problems to solve. How would you help me regain lost sleep in time to have my wits about me for our friendly visit (and so they don't mistake me for a mutant snowman)? And while we're at it, what should we do about the mutant snowmen on the loose? Not to mention, what should we do with the ones that are in our custody (and how do we keep the F.B.I. from noticing them)?
Unstable Elements: At your disposal you have -
To give our illustrious dean enough time to regain his lost sleep, I'd devise a clever invention called the "clock-o-matic-changeometer" using a modified atomic clock that would allow us to remotely reset all of the clocks in the FBI building to eight hours earlier.
On the matter of the mutant snowmen on the loose, I'd concoct a super-adhesive mucilage made from the boogers of our freshman class, and cover the ground of likely snowman hangouts with it ... for example, on cross country ski trails, in meat lockers, and the like. When the unwitting snowmen pass, they'll be glued to the spot for easy retrieval.
Being a Wisconsin girl, I know exactly what to do with the mutant snowmen in our custody ... we insert the brain of a French maitre d' into each of them, then stick lots of beers into their snowy sides and bellies to pull off a clever animated beer cooler disguise! The feds will never be the wiser.
I think perhaps there has been an underconsideration of the potential of caffine to solve the many problems that the dean is suffering. I suggest the perculation of tea roses into caffine in so concentrated a form that not merely does it make the dean's senses sharper, and make him more alert, but makes his senses so sharp that he is able to percieve the future. This will make him able to deal swiftly with the questions of the FBI, because he will be able to prepare ample documentation in advance, voiding the suprisinal value of their limited evidence.
The difficulty here is that overclocking the human mind to this extreme is generally fatal, so for this to occur it will first be necessary to copy the engrams of the dean into several temporary, sacrifical brains which will be burned out during the process, allowing us to remove the smoking chunks of the final, discarded, brain, and place the dean's back in its rightful place after the conclsuion of the necessary subterfuge.
These brains will housed in the bodies of dwarves until required, simply because they are easier to constrain when they realise that they
a) have the memories and cunning of the Dean
b) about to be burned through as part of an insane experiment.
making them incredibly dangerous if not kept secure, until their brains are burned out, leaving them zombie-like.
I hesitate to suggest this, but I am sure that my colleagues are familiar both with the effects of caffine on kidneys, and the effects of human liquid waste on snow. I note that at the conclusion of the perception acceleration experiment, we will have a cluster of residual, zombified dwarves whose kidneys have been taxed, if you'll pardon the expression, to the max. These provide us with an effective weapon for dealing with the snowmen in custody.
The snowmen that are not in custody are a problem, and my fellow student Michelle has noted the possibility of ambushing them. I think, however, that the zombie dwarves may serve as a better alternative. Dwarves, we know, have the supernatural ability to find gemstones, a sort of ESP of covetousness. Well, all we do, during our brain experiments, is a simple sort of Skinner Box procedure to retune the dwarves, indictating to them that diamonds, which they can sense, are chemichally identical to the coal used for the eyes of snowmen. The dwarves can, therefore, track snowmen to their lairs.
As already indicated, a surfiet of caffine should produce sufficent...ammunition...for Operation Yellow Snow to completely eradicate the snowmen.
Mr. Ferguson is awarded one point. While I appreciate the application of snowman kegerators and the time changing ideas applied by Dr. Nephew, on the whole Mr. Ferguson's plan pulled together more tightly. Not to mention, "Operation Yellow Snow" is an awesome name for a plan.