Funny game quotes

Games Discussion Ars Magica
1

Hi all,

I thought I'd dedicate a thread for people to list the funny quotes that happen in-game. Here are some from mine.

Brian: I’ve almost finished Robyn’s Longevity Potion
Jessica: (sings) Go Robyn! No more birthdayyys!

Jim: You enter the room. You see a pedestal. On top of it floats an impossible object that can’t exist in 3-dimensional space. It appears to have four origin points, yet these four points intersect to form six sides.
Brian: Uh… Jim, I’m pretty sure that’s not an impossible object. You’ve just described a cube.
Jim: Er… it’s an impossible cube. Shut up.

Jess (at meeting with another covenant): Our defenses are really, really weak. Thanks for asking.

Karen: The ST’s tears are my nourishment.

Karen: I think I shall call my book “Horsies Are Pretty.”
Jim: You do understand that an intelligence of zero means you’re of average intelligence. Not mentally retarded.
Karen: Fine. “Why Horsies Are Pretty: A Study.”

Karen: We can dump the tractatus on Magic Theory. I don’t need to raise it until after I’ve gotten my 41 in Ignem.
Jim: No, I really think we should keep the trac… wait, WHAT?!

Karen: Oh my God, we broke the DM! Sweet!

Jess: You don’t have to type word for word what we say.
Jim: It’s a QUOTE list, not a paraphrase list.

Jim: During the summer season, you get a visit from a ghost. It says “Help me, please.”
Jess: I hear nothing. La la la.
Jim: Well, there goes THAT plot.

Jim: You find an abacus.
Jess: Pocket abacus: A medieval Blackberry.

Jim: You find a treasure chest.
Jess: Is it huge? Is it small enough to carry, or do we blast it?
Jim: But... but… those aren’t the only options.

Karen: A lantern to ward against Infernal creatures? Cool, I can keep mom and dad away.
Jess: The in-laws are never pestering our covenant.

Brian: Can we find a copy of Ye Olde Playboy?

Brian: We need apprentice primers.
Jess: So we need the Encyclopaedia Britannica?
Jim: This is Iberia. Don't you mean Encyclopaedia Hispanica?

Jim: It’s funny how all 8 of our characters were born and raised in Spain, yet only 2 of the Companions have accents.

Jim: But… you called me ‘sir’, yet the word she used was ‘douchebag.’

Jess: You see three gnomes. Her name is Lisa, and she’s 396 years old. Her daughter Lily is 76 and her son Harold is 114.
Brian: Wait… so gnomes wear nametags that also list their ages?

Brian: What’s that thing there?
Jess: Let me finish reading the flavor text and you’ll find out, damnit!

Jim: Greetings, gnomes! I am Mateo ex Verditius, and I am 34 years old.
Jess: Grrrr.

2

Wouldn't in-laws get some of bonus to resistance of the ward protecting their, well, in-law?

Yes, that's the main comment that came to mind from the list.

3

This happened several years ago but I still remember it well.

Me (SG, being serious): "You're working in your lab and suddenly you hear someone at the door. Knock, knock."
Eric (being silly): "Who's there?"
Me (trying to ignore the joke): "Elusdan!"
Eric (persisting in silliness): "Elusdan who?"
Me (in a flash of inspiration): "Elusdan in the hallway until you open the door!"

So much for the dramatic tension of an urgent visit from an important NPC.

4

These are awesome. They read like scripts to some great web comic. :slight_smile:

I'll have to have this thread open every time we run the game...because one of these happens pretty regularly! In fact, we have a copious notetaker, and he deliberately goes out of his way to write down the funniest lines...I should get him to send me the notes some time. I'll submit a bunch when I can. :smiley:

5

An important Quaesitor NPC: "that is illegal under the Code AND mundane law. You can't just buy a castle out of the Baron of Urgell."
Ignatus of Flambeau: "Who says that?"
Quaesitor: "Me"
Ignatus of Flambeau: "Isn't there a Pwripheral Code precedent that if no one can witness against you, you cannot be accused of a crime?"
Quaesitor with eyebrow rised: "yes...and?"
Antonius ex Bonisagus, in an easygoing manner: "Forget we asked"

Perdo mentem. 10 pawns of vis. The quaesitor was left in the hands of a lepper colony with no memory of what had happened... since he was born.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Ignatus of Flambeau in a class to 3 apprentices:
"Remember kids, fire is a friendly element, both for you and your opponents. In fact we, Ignem practitioners can be said to be a mendichant order: we bring light and warmth to the world. Even to the Diednes and Merinitas

Joaquim, apprentice of a Jerbiton: "But Master, how can you give warmth to the diednes if they are the enemies of our Sacred Order?"

"Well Joaquim, that is a good comment for you to make. But remember that we are here to bring warmth and we do that duering all their lives. Remember that you can have a diedne warm for a day if you give him fire, but that the Diende will be warm for the rest of his life if you set him on fire. We are truly pious, as you can see".

Pure classic Flambeau philosophy.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A few sessions ago, Jordi made a really good speech by a grumpy librarian, that certainly did set the Librarian appart from the average caretaker of the books that we usually have in our sagas. Rewarded by a Confidence point.

Laura (his gf): "Now, darling, you can start roleplaying whenever you want"

The librarian proceeded to withold a book that had been asked from him with urgency for 3 days after that. I was surprised he handled it to the magus at all :laughing:

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
And ther we will always be the "SCREW THAT FUNKY QUAESITOR!!!!" before we blew Toledo to pieces in an hermetic conflict.

6

NPC: Salve. I am Pacifus, Quaesitor Maximus of the Provencal Tribunal.

New PC: Err...I've forgotten my name.

7

We were playing a session where the group was going to grab this young girl and take her back to be an apprentice.

Hayes: Put her in the van, I mean the wagon, already.

8

I had a wizard that was slowly turning into a flesh eating ghoul king. It would typically take him over at night. While on a quest to be rid of it the ghoul broke loose and almost killed the grogs. My Magus woke up to find himself chained with irons and buried up to his chin in salt with grogs pointing iron spears at him. One of them finally said:

"Master, last night you attacked us and said you were going to dash open our skulls and eat our brains, and crack our bones and suck out the marrow. Are you a ghoul? Are you a flesh eater?"

With all the dignity I could muster while being completely at their mercy my Magus said: "Men...I won't lie to you. Now untie me and let's get going."

9

A favorite quote from a Flambeau (borrowed from a movie)

NPC Magus: So you trust me then?

Flambeau: No...but I do kill those that betray me.

10

We went through "Fall and Rise" from "Tales of Mythic Europe" last night. Quote of the night...

The Speaker: Renoir, Magus and Self-Styled Knight, speaking to Severin, anachronistic magus tormented by a malicious faerie.
The Tone: Completely Earnest, in a low voice, looking straight into the character/SG's eyes.
The Quote: "If you had your woodpecker, would you be powerful enough to oppose him?"

Paraphrased Response from Severin: "I'll... be just as powerful as I am now... just... with a woodpecker."

11

Perhaps you had to be there but:

First game ever: Calebais. Two wizards and some grogs wandering through the forest. A serpent head the size of a football comes out of the foliage of a tree

"Hello, Lunch."
Party : "Hey, you can speak? Do you know the way to Calebais?"
Another head emerges: "Sure, Lunch. It's just over that hill."
Party: "Hey, that's great. We've been wandering in this damn Veil thing for hours."
Another head emerges "Yeah, that happens a lot, Lunch. I generally eat the satyrs that get lost in the Veil."
Party: "Satyrs? There are satyrs?"
Another head emerges "The horns you are carrying? They come from satyrs, Lunch."
Party : "Oh. Satyrs. Heh, tough guys, but we killed heaps of them. These horms are like, full fo vis.
Another head emerges "We know, Lunch. We eat the horns."
Party "Why do you keep calling us 'Lunch'?
New head "Um, because you're our lunch, Lunch?
First head "We are going to eat them?"
New head "Well, you did call them 'Lunch'", Bob.
Bob "I was just being intimidating, Dennis. They are wizards and all."
Dennis "Sure, Bob, but now we surround them entirely."
Bob "Yes, and we did eat one of the wizards of Calebais, but perhaps we can parley? If they break into Calebais, we might get to eat some Hrools."
Party: "Hrools?"
Unnamed head "But Bob! They killed our satyrs! What else are we going to do for lunch?"
Party: "Um, so, maybe we can give you a satyr horn?"
Bob "But there are seven of us..."
Party "Oh, alright, seven horns. (which for those not familiar with the supplement is about 35 pawns of vis.)"
Various heads "What do you think" / "We should eat them!" / Damn it Fred, why do you always want to eat everyone? / "Shut up Phil." / "Dennis you are a freaking cannibal, that's what you are." / "No I'm not, they aren's big snakes, now are they?" / "Damn it Fred and Dennis I'd punch you in the nose if I could still take human shape." / "Yeah yeah, you used to be a familiar." / "Let's vote." / "Hah, five to two! Suck it Fred and Dennis."
[Party hands out a years worth of vis.]
There's a dull thump and a hydra drops out of the tree. It's growing more heads because it has just sucked down huge amounts of vis. "So, Calebais is just over the hill, this way."
Party "So, do you guys argue like this all the time, Bob?"
Hydra "Who's Bob?"
Party "Isn't one of you called Bob?"
Hydra "Did someone drop you on the head while you were a baby?"

Players "Did you just sucker us out of excessive treasure?"
Me : "Stay in character. There's a beautiful but white haired and elderly looking dryad...

12

A couple more:

Karen: Why would the Wisps from th Illuminated Grove choose my apprentice to be their LightBringer instead of me? I'm much more powerful?
Me: Well... I believe your three reactions were, quote: "Ugh, I gotta get some wards against faeries." Followed by "Faerie: The most annoying of the four realms." And then "Next time those wisps show up, I'm going to fireball them in the face."

Next requires some setup: My Verditius, Mateo, invented an item that qualifies for Magical Heating, which nobody wanted to buy from him. The next day, my girlfriend and I were hanging out.
Jessica: Brrr... It's freezing in here!
Me: You can have the blanket.
Jess: why don't you raise the heat?
Me: Well.. if you think about it, all Magical Heating is, is basically a thermosthat. And you said your character doesn't want it, so I figured I'd save on my heating bill.
Jess: Honey? I am not my character. I am your girlfriend.
Pause
Me: Er... I think I'll... go raise the heat then, shall I?
Jess: Thank you, sweetie.
Maybe you had to be there, but at the time it was priceless.

Ken: I know we had some cryptic message to help us in one of our quests... was the clue for the Crypt, or for rescuing the professor?
Me: It's for the rescue, of course. Even I wouldn't give a cryptic message about a crypt.
Ken: Ok.
Me: But if I did...
Brian (different Brian): Here he goes...
Me: If I did, I'd make it an encrypted cryptic message about the crypt. Actaully, I'd use pictures instead of words. So it'd be an encrypted cryptic cryptogram about the crypt. You'd have to hire a cryptographer to decrypt the encrypted cryptic cryptogram about the crypt.
Brian: How in the name of all the gods did you REMEMBER all that?!?
Me: Crib sheet!
Brian Smack

13

Player: Pass me the manual - the initiative the penalty for incapacitated isnt listed on here for some reason...

14

One of the PCs in my Saga (a very young Verditius with Venus Blessing) has been trying to seduce an older and much more powerful Jerbiton from another Covenant. She is a high-born lady, and, having strict ideas about such things, assumed his overtures to be a prelude to a proposal of marriage. When she broached the subject of matrimony with him, he began to try to weasel out of it. She, suspecting that he might be trifling with her affections (and glancing up to see how long it might be to the next full moon), gave a curt and threatening "I see".

He replied, "What do you mean you see? No, no seeing. Don't see. Seeing is bad."

15

NPC (to above mentioned Verditius): Never get romantically involved with a wizard who's more powerful than you.

Verditius PC: There aren't any wizards less powerful than me.

16

Karen: Is there a save point in here?

Jess: Say, do you think we can ride on David's back? (She meant he'd ride on ours)
Me: You want us to ride on the gnome's back? What's next? Should we have the grogs carry the horses so they'll be fresh?

17

Tonight we had the first ever Certamen in our 5th edition game. Upon discovering that Presence was part of the Attack Total, one of our players (suddenly aware that his character's +3 Prs gave him an advantage over another player's -2) said,

"I'm going to Presence your face off."

18

I'm rather proud of this rant...
Jim: So, the people we're planning on bringing on this trip are: An anachronistic Diedne from 200 years ago, whom the Order has decided 'kill on sight,' a Tremere from 200 years ago, whose House is responsible for the 'kill-on-sight' directive, a pyrokineticist, a red-headed, blue-skinned 130-year-old holding the "Kick me, I'm different" sign--who is, incidentally, the ONLY PERSON WHO SPEAKS THE LANGUAGE OF THE COUNTRY WE'RE GOING TO. I'm a Magus who suffers intense pain every time I perform, whaddyacallit, MAGIC, and we're also bringing a Magus who would lose a fistfight with a daffodil. We'll be attracting lots of attention. Probably negative attention, since every one of us are Gifted. That goes double the Torch here. Now I know we're a little short on English speakers. But can't we bring along someone UnGifted, so that they can at least get around and not piss people off by, y'know, BREATHING?!?

19

After being beaten by a (faerie) merrow knight mounted on a large hipocampus repeatedly (but without any real damage) and being mocked repeatedly as well for his lack of martial prowess byt the other merrow knights in the scene, our elementalist flambeau conducting the engagement decided to just make that part of the sea boil for Diameter duration. he suceeded in his (rather lucky) roll and proceeded to make the faeries flee screaming.

Jordi proceeded to take a little bit of the salad (with shrimps) in the centre of the table and said

"Now, you know, if shrimps are not well cooked they can cause an indigestion"

Xavi

20

The expedition has arrived in Jerusalem, and three magi and their grogs, seeking news of the fabled phoenix, break into the closed shop of one dealer in relics and antiquities.

They are apprehended by the city guard as the leave the shop, having stolen a scroll.
The next day, unable to escape their imprisonement due to Jerusalem's divine aura, they face trial.

Among them, and innocent of forcing open the door or stealing, is Arya, a Persian magus of the Zoroastrian faith. He is wearing a monk's robe in an attempt to disguise himself as he believes he might be hassled by crusaders. He is asked who he is:

Arya: I am an Arthurian... monk... from... uh... England.

Later, in the trial proper, after revealing he lied about his origins out of fear.

Magistrate: So... good master... Arya... you are a Christian?
Arya: I am not a Muslim.
Magistrate: So you accept Jesus Christ as your savior?
Arya: The nun we have been travelling with has told me many great things about Jesus. Indeed, Christianity seems a worthy religion.
Magistrate: So... you'd like to convert and become a good Christian and enter the Kingdom of Heaven when you pass from this mortal world?
Arya: Oh... possibly?